For anyone who cares...

No one ever said that having morals was going to be easy, especially when you stick out like a sore thumb because of their existance. That doesn't mean I'll EVER stop having morals. I get to experience a micro-micro cosem (sp?) of what Jesus dealt with.

Things that are GOOD right now

I just watched the same episode of Glee twice in a row.
I *almost* finished the Centerstage scrapbook I've been working on TIRELESSLY.
I finally finished that stupid summer class and got an A.
The writers' conference was amazing and my picture (with a group) is in the LONG ISLAND CATHOLIC.
I get to see my cousins for two days in a row.
I saw my dear friend Michelle yesterday for the first time in SIX MONTHS. Nothing like catching up at TGI Friday's eating too much food with a few drinks and then going to talk ON THE HOOD OF MY CAR.
I'm not lacking in rehearsal. At all. In fact last night was kind of crazy, but I loved it.
And, I've decided to stop fighting with my mother indefinitely. One of the annoying things about coming back to live under your parents' roof after living on your own for a while is that you have to get used to each other again. The experts say it's normal. I think they're right--except for the fact that my mother and I are both UBER emotional, all of the time. The experts don't usually take that factor into account with the textbook 'mother/daughter fight.' We aren't textbook; we never have been. But the best thing about my mother is that I know we'll get over it, I know we'll always...ALWAYS love each other. We have been through too much together for that bond to go away. I really need to stop talking about her behind her back and appreciate her more. It's not classy and definitely...not what God wants me to do.

At any rate, there is too much to be happy about to fight. SUMMER 2010 so far has been FANTABULOUS.

This Is Your Life!

Sometimes you can have a moment that tells you all is right with the world.

Actually, it started last night. Lady Gaga sing-alongs at 12:30 am tend to make everything better. Feeling accepted and loved brings about all sorts of good feelings. I woke up today still happy, even with the thought of going to class LOOMING over my head. It was a beautiful day. I'm not always the type to notice that sort of thing; I'm always rushing somewhere. I'm not into the whole "live laugh love" thing or the "take time each day to appreciate nature" thing. It's just not me, and it seems unrealistic. But today, the sky was too nice even for me not to notice. I had a good day at my internship, solved the problem of my gas light appearing prematurely, and even covered up the stain on my shirt that came from dripping coffee when I was noticing how nice it was out!

I went over to Allie's house tonight; she's been home from the hospital for about a week and for the first time today, was feeling happy. As I drove down my street, I noticed that it was STILL light out at 9:30pm. I'd seen a lightning bug earlier. Even though MY summer started a month ago, summer has officially arrived. I took the scenic route over to Allie's; I stopped at Starbucks and went through Locust Valley as I noticed a movie being filmed there the other day and I wanted to investigate further. I drove through Glen Cove, and Locust Valley, and thought of how much history I have just on this one road. I looked over in the direction of a dear friend's house and thought of how we grew up together and somehow, she graduated high school this past weekend. Jaclyn is my dad's partner's daughter; I remember when she was born. She's off to Bentley University in the fall...and I'm graduating college next year...LA LA LA LA LA LA LA....

I drove past where my friend Sam lives and thought of how she's coming home soon. I passed the really sketchy Dunkin' Donuts where I've gone with friends at odd hours of the night. I passed the Million Dollar Deli and Buckrams and remembered that there were some good things about high school. College really gives you perspective; you either learn that you hate or you love where you came from. I learned how much Long Island really means to me, and how much I appreciate it now...and that sometimes, you can re-invent yourself. You can right the ship and not hate the place where so much hurt took place. Truth is, you're going to get hurt no matter where you go. It's not about where you live. My life here is so different than it was just three years ago, when I graduated high school.

My dad used to talk about this type of party he wanted to give someone (he discussed throwing it for my mother or my grandmother on respective milestone birthdays). He called it "This Is Your Life." We would start out at home, on a party bus or some other large vehicle. The bus would travel to (in the case of my mother)Brooklyn, to the house where she grew up, and my grandmother would get on the bus there. Next to her high school in Staten Island where her friend Pat would get on the bus. Next to Point Lookout, my grandparents' former summer home, where my mom's oldest friend Mary would get on the bus. You get the idea. Forest Avenue is kind of like a "this is your life" tour for me; there would be more places on the tour now, but Forest Avenue would be a good start.

Going back a bit...I was so happy to see Allie so happy tonight. She's getting a brand new car, and no one deserves it more than she does. I can't wait to ride shotgun :D Seeing Allie happy was the icing on the cake; all is right with the world.

Acceptance

A small word that can mean so much.

For a good portion of my life I was judged...for what I stood for, what I looked like, even for who my parents were and how THEY behaved. (Can people REALLY think of anything better to do?) Going through that, at times I wondered if it would ever get better, if anyone was just going to love me for who I am, for who I was, for ALL of me.

Finding people who do, and say it (because sometimes you just NEED to have someone affirm it!), makes me sleep easier at night. It exhilirates (sp?) me and gives me more hope than I ever thought I was entitled to, especially when the situation seemed hopeless. It makes me trust just a little bit more, to not always think that someone has an ulterior motive in even speaking to me. That's how my mind works; I always think that no one ever wants to talk to me and when they actually do, they have a motive. Knowing it's safe to trust someone's friendship is possibly my favorite feeling in life.

Update!

Allie, my friend who has been in the hospital, seems to be doing a bit better. I went to visit with her yesterday and will be back tomorrow. I'm not sure what's to come next but I am trying to follow her wishes and NOT worry about her.

In spite of that, I am exhausted. 2 Babes in Arms rehearsals down and I already have the music stuck in my head.

GOOD NIGHT.

Is it even possible?

Okay, so it's been a while since I've wrote. Apologies--I knew this would become an issue. Back in NY, actually just came back from spending a few days with my family and a friend in North Carolina. Summer kind of swept me along for the ride so far. I got the internship I needed to get, found the class I need to finish. And the truth is all I want to do is just FINISH it. I'm tired of doing homework, even if it IS just for one class. I love the professor, and the people in the class are pretty nice. I do, however, hate driving all the way to Hofstra four days a week. I don't like a lot of the subject matter. On the flip side, on June 22, it will be DONE and I won't have to deal with it anymore. I'm glad I'm getting it overwith.

A question for all of my Christian friends: have you even been really angry with God over someone else's life, and then looked at your own and wondered a) how you could possibly be entitled to it and/or b) how you could possibly be angry with God after He gave you a ridiculously good life? I have so many good things right now--Babes in Arms rehearsals start TOMORROW and I am, honestly, too excited for words. I've been seeing a whole lot of my friends from Centerstage; it has been so, so good to be in their lives, in person, on a regular basis, to go to their shows and to Alix's confirmation and to even have some of them in my house! They give me such strength and energy. I just came back from seeing my little cousins, Trish and Joseph (7 and almost 6) who live in North Carolina. They are true delights and I wish we lived closer to them so I could see them more than twice or three times a year. They remind me what it was like to be a real kid. I also got to see my old friend Laura, who moved to North Carolina when I was in high school; Laura was actually one of my teachers but we became very, very close friends. Before Laura moved, I was terrible at keeping in touch with people. Laura and I have managed to posess (in spite of distance and her being thirteen years my senior) an uncanny ability to pick up right where we left off. She's another one who I only see a few times a year now, but when we do get to see each other, it's great. It also helps that I have family in North Carolina; it's one stop to see everyone!

But back to my "anger at God." I found out when we got back tonight that one of my best friends since I was 10 years old is in the hospital for what feels like the umpteenth time in her life. She has a serious condition which keeps sending her back for ailment after ailment. I don't understand why all I have to deal with are a few allergies, some extra pounds, and a little anxiety while she has to deal with true medical hell. I'm feeling terribly guilty about going to Babes in Arms rehearsal tomorrow night after visiting her in the hospital--I don't think I deserve to be as happy as I know I will be at rehearsal. I know God gives us all our own hands and as my mother said to me tonight, "all you can do is pray." Sometimes I don't want to pray. I want to fix. And I know I can't.

Senior Week, Part 1

I've been done with school for a whole three days. What's so funny is that these three days have gone by so quickly, while three days in the middle of finals felt like FOREVER. I'm just happy that it's over. I've been catching on much-needed sleep; I went to bed on Thursday night by MIDNIGHT (probably the earliest I've gone to bed since last summer when I was working) after OWNING the beach with friends, then even got some sleep during the day on Friday after appointments, going to Panera with my friends Claire, Alli, and Kerrin, and book buy-back.

Now, the end of the school year is generally joyful. But if there's anything that can ruin your day after finals, it's book buy-back. The lines are inexhaustably long, my bag of books always breaks while on said line, and sometimes, bookstore personnel are not always in the greatest moods. Can't say that I blame them--I wouldn't want the job of having to stand all day next to a register and scan used books for five straight days. During buy-back, they just don't get a break. I did, however, think that Friday was going to be my lucky day as far as book buy-back...there was, for the first time in my college career, NO LINE! All of that excitement to get back....wait for it...a whopping $9. EPIC, EPIC FAIL. Not even enough to buy ONE book next semester. My friends laughed at me. It was laughable, seeing as most of them got back between $50 and $100.

Went out Friday night, stayed at my friend Glynnis' place. Ended up going BACK to sleep on Saturday afternoon after we went out to breakfast. Saturday night--went with Glynnis to see a Beatles tribute band called the Fab Faux.

When I was a kid, I pretended not to like the Beatles because my father is such a big fan and he used to drive me insane having to listen to their music CONSTANTLY. I don't exactly remember WHEN I got over that and embraced my love and adoration for the group that changed music--wait, WORLD history. Now, when someone tells me that they don't like the Beatles, I bury my head in my hands. All of that being said, I was ECSTATIC when Glynnis asked me if I wanted to go to this concert. I even wore my old Sgt. Pepper's shirt which is a little snug on me now but it didn't look bad at all. I knew almost all of the songs, and I wanted to get up and dance with this woman who actually spent the entiety of the concert dancing. The only thing missing was my Dad. I always have this inner calm come over me whenever I'm listening to the Beatles, and I know it has to do with my Dad. I wanted to sing along with him, dance in the aisles, and just have a cliche daddy/daughter moment through the love of the Beatles. I cried when the band closed with "All You Need is Love." I just couldn't help myself...and I cheered extra loudly when the band thanked John, Paul, George, and Ringo. They deserve it...beyond deserve it.

Today was more sleeping, laundry, hoping to make phone calls to friends I haven't spoken with in a while (except that they didn't answer their phones...sad face..). I felt sad to not be home for Mother's Day, but I've been talking to my mom almost all day on and off...in fact I'm talking to her right now via Facebook chat. I also wrote her a letter, telling her how much I love her and appreciate her. She's been helping me through a lot lately (then again, it ALWAYS seems like she's helping me through a lot) and I don't do nearly enough to show her how much I appreciate it. She's still going to be my MOM, next week, when I see her. I need to show her that EVERY day, not just on some Hallmark holiday. And this buys me time to get her a present. :-)

I really do love this week. At some points I wish I was home already, but I am so so SO glad not to have to move out in the middle of studying for finals. I get to see friends, just play on the computer, do some writing...in June, my old high school principal, Mr. Hoyler, is retiring. There's going to be a celebration at school with a memory book from former students. One of my jobs today was going to be writing something for the memory book, but I kept getting distracted by Facebook and Formspring and the delicious espresso beans that are sitting next to me. I may get around to it later...I have to go get ready for my last Mass in the old chapel at Salve! Knowing me, I won't go to bed until I get it done...but I don't have to get up early tomorrow! There is just so much to say and write about Mr. Hoyler; he was that kind of an educator, one who just really cared about his students. During my sophomore year he had pancreatic cancer and was out of school for a good three months. It took ten people to do his job. The best part was that he came back from the cancer and was still my principal when I graduated. He's one of the first people I stop in to see whenever I go back to Portledge to visit. He's just that kind of a person.

I feel so lazy with all of the sleeping I've been doing and will continue to do, but I need it. I am finally starting to feel like a PERSON again after the most insane semester of my life. Tomorrow I'm going to make myself start packing, Tuesday I'm hopefully going to the really awesome Emerald Square Mall in MA with Alli and Kerrin, Wednesday night I'm seeing Jersey Boys in Providence with my friend Meg and her mom...I'm psyched for the rest of this week!